The American political world is agog with Harris’ VP choice. I’ve heard pundits panting about how it could come at any time now all weekend long. : It ain’t coming before her nomination vote, so it’ll be Tuesday, maybe Monday at the earliest. Even though all of this is rushed and in a compressed timeframe, she’s got to give us all a moment to take our breath and squeeze all of the unearned media she can out of these events: virtual roll call nomination, VP announcement, convention acceptance speech. You can’t be having those things stepping on each other. Each one will keep the Felonious Rapist Traitor out of the day’s news cycle.

So, let’s take a breath and get a fresh take on Harris’ VP choices. The first rule of VP is do no harm, and we’ve seen VP choices that have damaged the ticket and made the election harder if not impossible to win. Forget, the calculus of does Shapiro deliver Pennsylvania, does Kelly make it harder to hold the Senate, does Harris know Walz well enough?Let’s evaluate these guys where it matters:

  • The Sarah Pudlin, to Tim Kaine continuum. I’m not saying either of those two caused their candidate to lose, okay the Lipsticked Grizzly really weighed McCain down. Without her, he had a chance. With her, no fucking way. In Tim Kaine’s case, he was an over-thought safe pick that had little lift in a tight race.
  • Memeable. More than any other election, this one is going to be fought with memes, and Harris is gonna kick the Truth all outta Trump’s Socials. She social medias better on the platforms. She social medias better in her speeches. She social medias better in her sound bites. And, Trump already has Jamoke Dumbass weighing his fat hairless white ass down with memes.
  • Age-Experience Perceptions. Okay, this veers into agist-sexist-racist territory, but we’re there anyway. People look at Harris and she’s seems young and pretty. Bottom line. Luckily, like Obama, she’s light-skinned enough not to be tossed from the Piggly Wiggly immediately upon entering, but she’ll be closely followed by the store dick that’s for sure. She needs someone on the ticket that is going to bring that old white dude gravitas without being too old like Biden. Just for the record, she’s 59 and she’s 5’2″ in stilettos.

There is no need to go over qualifications or other details here. We’ve seen in them in a million articles plastered all over the Interwebs from legacy news outlets to small political blogs. All of our social media feeds are choked with everybody and their monkey’s opinion on who Harris should pick and their evaluation of them. If you need it, here’s a link to Politico’s latest effort.

We’ll list the main six and I’ll prattle on about them, but what I really want to know is who you think a real dud might be.

  • JOSH SHAPIRO:
    • If Harris likes Shapiro, I think it’s her choice in spite of all of the hemming and hawing and handwringing over an American Jewish major party politician supporting Israel.
    • He is a dynamic speaker. He’s got a record of good governance to run on — the Philly bridge story? Are you kidding me? And, he’s popular in his state. On the negative side, he’s only been governor for a year.
    • He can work the social media or at least not fuck it up badly enough to be memeable.
    • He’s young (41) and handsome, but not all that tall. He doesn’t really balance the ticket the way Mother balanced Trump. It’s more a Clinton-Gore tossing the football vibe going.
  • MARK KELLY:
    • I’m a little less sure of Kelly. I like him. He’s an astronaut. He’s married to Gabby Giffords. What’s not to like? Every ten year old boy is going to LOVE him and we’ll all shed tears anew over Giffords’ shooting and brain injury.
    • He’s a popular centrist politician from a state where you could really use a popular centrist politician.
    • But, can he make a speech? Can he fire up a crowd? Can he stand up and make himself heard in an aggressive interview or on the VP debate stage? I dunno.
    • He’s lent his name and probably his organizing ability to their gun control foundation, but he’s not the dynamic face and voice of it, is he? There’s probably a reason for that. I just don’t know it, but it sounds a bit like he don’t social media well, he don’t dig the spotlight.
    • He’s 60 years old and been to outer space! He’s only a year older than Harris, but looks ten years older. He would bring the steadying hand energy without seeming too much like he’s got a foot in the grave, knowhatimean?
    • To me, we’re wandering into Tim Kaine and Mother Pence territory with him, though. I just don’t know how he lifts the campaign other than his bio.
  • PETE BUTTIGIEG:
    • We all know and love Mayor Pete the Butt. He’s as Midwest Indiana cornfed pure goodness as any prairie boy could be. He brings it in his own quiet confident detailed way, too.
    • His social medias are all very popular and he can fill up your feed with fun political facts and wry observations and calm sedate memes.
    • Harris knows him well after sharing a cabinet for three years. Does she like him? How much governing experience does he really have? Does he have presidential ambitions of his own in 2028?
    • Does a Black woman and a gay man make a ticket that can resist the hate of all the haters that are out there?Obama drew the racists and Clinton the misogynists? They’re going to draw that plus the homophobes.
    • Also, he’s 42 going on 20. He’s got that fresh faced well scrubbed cleaned behind the ears look to him. Does he even shave?
  • ANDY BASHEAR:
    • Who, now? He’s the governor of that state. You know the little one from the South, maybe? Or was it in the North? Anywho, it’s THAT Republican state. Isn’t Manchin from there, too? Or is it McConnell? One of those guys. See the problem? We really don’t know anything about him.
    • His daddy was a well-loved Democrat in Kentucky back when Kentuckians were falling out of love with Democrats.
    • He really does fall into the end of the continuum with Tim Kaine, Mother Pence, and Poppy Bush. I think he’s nothing but a mushy bucket of warm spit, which might make him a GREAT VP, but probably not a big contributor on the ticket.
  • TIM WALZ:
    • The more I hear Walz talk on the nattering nabobs shows, the more I like him. It helps that he is an ex-geography teacher. He connects with his interviewers, of course, they’ve been softball interviews.
    • He works his social media well, too. I see him more and more in my feeds. He’s not posting memes and garbage, but sound sober fun facts about good governance in Minnesota. And, a few good ones about the MAGA Republicans.
    • King of the Dad jokes on the social medias.
    • He’s also only 60 years old, but looks much older. He can balance out the 59 year old’s appearance of youthful inexperience. He softens her tough DA energy with that funny, a little boring but means well, HS teacher energy.
    • I think at best, he’s a Tim Kaine-Mother Pearce type with a little more charisma and charm.

What do you think? How do these guys rate? What are your biggest fears about their potential on the ticket? I’d love to discuss it with you in the comments.

Image Attribution

This image was found on bamboo using a DuckDuckGo image search for all licenses. There wasn’t very much useful in the Creative Commons searches.