Now that the Ol’ Pussy Grabber has reached into the bath water and wrapped his tiny little hands around his aircraft carrier, and it is now steaming its way into the East Sea, it is time for a little bit of psychoanalysis of Kim Young Dipshit of the North. And, hopefully a little wise council to the man yanking his aircraft carrier off its regularly scheduled duty about what to expect out of the budding psychopathic megalomaniacal narcissistic dictator, The Psy of Life style.

Now, why might the Ol’ Pussy Grabber need the expert opinion of someone like me?

100 Day Accomplishments

You know, folks be like, it is the Ol’ Pussy Grabber’s hunnert day in office, and he ain’t done nothing worth a crap in all those hunnert days. Hunh, weird. If there were only some way of predicting that! We woulda thunk as a big impotent suck-cesspool businessman power negotiator he woulda been the biggliest yoogiest successfullest presidenting president the world had ever seen. Let’s review, you know, in case you were doubting that the Ol’ Pussy Grabber might need a wee smidgen of help.

First, his mighty legislative accomplishments! The Ol’ Pussy Grabber has signed bills doing this stuff: (1) He’s restored the Second Amendment rights to the mentally infirm like himself. They figure handing every depressed, agitated, paranoid in the States a gun is a cheaper way of covering mental health issues than whatever their healthcare bill could have. (2) He’s sold our Interwebs privacy to the highest bidder unlike his tax returns and his pee-hooker history. (3) He’s let the coal companies shit in our creeks and streams. And (4) he’s named a few VA clinics, promoted women in STEM, and allowed a real live grown up to join his cabinet before he had been out of the army for seven years. So, are you tired of winning yet?

He’s signed a bunch more evil executive orders than his nasty predecessor, too. Oh, yeah, those ain’t evil no more. And, dropped some tomahawks on Syria, kilt himself some childrens in Yemen, and, jus’ cause he is the biggest and bestest at presidenting and his hands ain’t neither tiny, he dropped the biggest bestest bomb we have on Afghanistan. Did Obama do that? I don’t think so. Only the Ol’ Pussy Grabber has used the biggliest and brightests bomb. He’s number one, okay? Okay. Now, we’re really winning and great again and stuff, right?

The Muslim ban? Another winner, except for that no-count island in the Pacific with that independent co-equal branch of government. What’s up with Hawaii thinking its like the same as all the other states? Does it say that an island in the Pacific should be able to boss the President of these here United States around? I don’t think so.

The Normalization of the Ol’ Pussy Grabber

Oh, yeah, he lost his aircraft carrier group but only for a little while when he was trying to intimidate Kim Dumb Ass in North Korea.  It’s been a busy couple of weeks with North Korea, hadn’t it? His other attempts at intimidating North Korea into stopping being bad were to send VP Mikie to the DMZ to glare at them with his steely resolve. He got himself a right first-class edumacation from that nice President Xi of China who would never take advantage of a shrewd tough negotiator like our Ol’ Pussy Grabber. The Ol’ Pussy Grabber even said after his talk with President Xi of China, After listening for ten minutes, I realized that it is not so easy and Korea used to be part of China (Snicker snicker, Hey fellas, he fell for it! He fell for it!). That’s our Pussy Grabber, folks, makin’ friends and negotiating yoooge deals wherever he goes. Who needs a State Department, our security apparatus, or even common sense, when he can ask his good buddy President Xi about these things?

North Korea Cray-Cray or Cray-Foxxay?

Now, we all knowed that the North Koreans be cray-cray and who knows what those mo’fo’s be doin’ next. They be exploding nuclear weapons and shooting off missiles and arresting foreigners and using nerve agents to kill brothers in airports and using flame-throwers to kill gov’t officials and using anti-aircraft guns to kill defense chiefs and using a mortar so that not even a fellow’s hair would be left. You know, the usual crap that autocratic paranoid dictators do who are trying to consolidate their youthful grip on their generals.

But, are they really all that cray-cray? I would argue, no. No they are not. I lived in South Korea for about ten years from 1996 to 2007, so I got to hear a lot about the North from all kinda places like everyday Koreans, the newspapers, some of the professors at the university I worked at, and diplomats I chatted up at parties and other events. You know the usual white-guy in Asia stuff. I’m no expert, but several things really impressed me in several other people’s analysis of the situation. From the CIA World Factbook:

North Korea

• Population: 25,115,311 (2016 estimate)
• GDP: $40 billion (2014 estimate)

South Korea

• Population: 50,924,172 (July 2016 estimate)
• GDP: $1.929 trillion (2016 estimate)

Twice the people and five times the GDP means that the South wins every time. The North has no sustaining power. They don’t have a deep stock of ammunition, soldiers, spare parts, or fuel. They are totally dependent on the outside world for all sorts of resources. They are incapable of sustaining a prolonged conflict.

So, the North, quite rationally, realized that to win a war with the South, they would have to win it blitzkrieg style. They either win in the first few days or weeks, or they lose. The South and its allies realized this, too, so we have American soldiers and American tactical nuclear weapons in the South.  Stalemate.

So, the North, quite rationally, is developing nuclear weapons and missiles. Wait, what? How could that help? If they nuke the South, there goes any future manufacturing base and population centers. If they nuke Japan or the States, they’re toast. The US just blasts them into oblivion and ain’t no China or Russia are going to stop us. So, their nukes are either useless or suicide. Remember this because suicide is very much a possibility.

So, why bother with nukes? All politics is local, my boy. Local. It is to impress the yokels, oppress the people, and satisfy the generals. It is also a deterrence to keep the South from running over their fragile conventional military. But, you scream We would never do that! That would be dastardly, nefarious, underhanded, sneaky! We’re the good guys! Ask Allende of Chile about the virtuosity of US foreign policy. But, on the other hand, the South might if they sensed a strategic advantage or had a local political need of their own that fighting such a war might satisfy — difficult to imagine given the incredible destruction that would occur across the peninsula.

Diagnosing the Ol’ Pussy Grabber

Of course, if there were a dysfunctional narcissistic reprobate who was only concerned about surviving the next minute and not with the people living on the peninsula, desperately needing a distraction from a huge scandal that is threatening to wreck his entire life, and is so far removed from North and South Korea that any destruction and misery occurring there would be outside of his awareness and caring, then a war might be started by this person.

And the North knows this, too.

Options in Dealing with the North

The world has sanctions against them. China is distancing itself from them. So, why would they stop now? The murderous Lil Hamlet that has inherited his Grand Pappy’s Hermit Kingdom still needs to solidify and maintain his hold on the seat of government. Remember his father, Kim Jong Il, whose name or identity or anything about him the Ol’ Pussy Grabber wasn’t too sure of, had a hell of a time keeping the generals at bay. Every time that old boy turned around there was speculation about whether he would be tossed aside. You know, I don’t think his heart was in it, but, it’s North Korea where you either play the role the state assigns or you die, so what’s a ruthless dictator to do other than be ruthless, amirite?

Kim Jong Un is different, though. He is enjoying himself. He likes killing people. He likes parading around inspecting things, firing his missiles, blowing up his bombs, and doing stuff. But, like we learned in the 90’s under Clinton and the 00’s under W, the North is not irrational crazy. They know how to use their meager resources to their advantage, so the question is, what do they want?

Help from China?

Increasingly, China has world ambitions and sees itself as a rival to the US. It does not need instability on its border and millions of refugees flooding across its border into its inhospitable northeast.  But, it also doesn’t need this fly buzzing around it’s ears distracting it from their other ambitious plans and being a nuisance. In some ways, it would be better for China if North Korea would just go away. The only place for it to go, though, is unification with the South. Perhaps, China thinks it could tolerate a capitalistic liberal democracy on its border because China is pulling back: no longer importing coal, no longer being so free with dinero, no longer sending tourists. A weaker North Korea might could mean reunification with the South. Might. Could. And an end to this recurring nuisance.

South Korea

The South is terrified of a forced reunification with the North. If the North collapses, then the South would absorb it kinda like West Germany did East. Reunification in Germany put a drag on the German economy that lasted a generation and can still be felt. Reunification with the North would be even harder for the South. They need a strong, stable North to negotiate a gradual reunification with.

The Existential Threat

The North knows all of this. They ain’t stupid. They face a very real existential threat as all the pundits like to say. Ain’t no one else in this equation facing no existential threat, amirite?  Let that sink in a minute. There is a desperation here that no other player in this little drama is experiencing. Okay, so the whole Russia-Trump scandal thing is an existential threat to the Ol’ Pussy Grabber, but, ain’t no other state player facing dissolution over this. So, one strategy is to act so unstable that outsiders feel obligated to prop you up. But, if that stops working, what then? What do you do when no one comes running while you’re crying wold? If it really looks like the end is nigh, might the North commit suicide by lashing out and precipitating an attack by the US?

Suicide as an Option

There is a reason that South Korea’s suicide rate leads the OECD states and not by a little, by a lot! In 2013, South Korea had a suicide rate of 29.1 per 100,000 people. The second place winner, Hungary, had 19. Sobering stuff. Suicide is seen as an option when other options are running out.

The North has a philosophy called Juche or self-sufficiency. There is a cultural principle of enduring hardship. The two together means that it is going to be difficult to influence North Korea through sanctions. They’ll tough it out. They’ll tough it out while also remorsefully relentlessly staring inwardly, especially when things start heading south, so to speak. So, yes, suicide by the North is very much on the table. They could easily decide it is better to go down fighting than to just go down.

Pussy Grabbing Options!

What should the Ol’ Pussy Grabber do? Show ’em we could bomb into the Stone Age? Show ’em we mean business? Show ’em how weak they are compared to us? Show ’em that we’ll hit ’em back ten times as hard if they hit us? No. No. And, no. Push the North into a corner, and they will come out swinging, especially if they feel China is no longer a reliable ally. You start cutting off options and acting like you’re going to pull the trigger, then what options are left on the table for them?

The Ol’ Pussy Grabber should make a show of hand-wringing and pearl clutching — he’s good at that — and then quietly let it go. We should install our missile defense systems in Japan and South Korea. We should continue our cyber warfare against their missile and bomb programs. We should continue seeking to coordinate with China, South Korea, and Japan. We should continue to contain their attempts at proliferation.

But really, ignoring them and giving them a helping hand when they’ll take it is the best strategy. What are they going to do? Invade us? Invite Armageddon down on them? No. Probably not. Not unless they feel like there is no other option like all suicides do. So, give them options. Prop up their self-esteem. And treat them like the insignificant country they are.

Pussy Grabber, you start rolling around with pigs, you get up with scabies and smelling of week old unwashed crotch. It’s beneath you son. Leave ’em alone. You’ll be glad you did.