Ding dang dumb libels! Whut in tarnation is wrong with these ding dang dumb libels? They is always on about the racisms or slaves or the polices shooting all the criminals and whutnot. They says that we is all racismed and new-Nazis and stuff jus’ cuz we marched over to the Charlottesville ta protest them removing the great good General Lee’s statute and re-naming Lee Park, Emanualpaceshun Park or some such. They say we is can to have all the hates because they don’t unnerstand ‘Merica and all that has made this here country great!
Well, sir, I is here to be putting my feet all over the down and doing all of the standing for all the beliefs that I have! And my great git of a stupid nephew has given me this here blogge thingee to be writing all of my thoughts on the news and stuff. So, I is going to set all his ding dang dumb libel readers straight about all this here racisms stuff!
‘Merica ain’t no racist country, no way, no how. We never wuz and we never will be! We wuz founded on the principle of ever’body being created all the equals unner god. It says it right there in the Constitution not like that great git, Jack, has ever read the Constitution, or iffin’ he did, his head were so fulled up with fool nonsense whut they taught him in all the colleges he went to that he couldn’t unnerstand it noway no how.
Ya see, our Fathers whut Founding done thought of all the racisms and more than all y’all coulda thought of cuz they is smrt. They knowed that people woulda come along and wanted to intervent all the rights for any bunch that could udder the phrase, I can to haz all the rights now? ‘Nd those ding dang dumb libels’d jus’ roll over and gibe ’em to ’em.
So, they fixt it, ya see! They said the words, all of the mens is being created with all of the equals by our great good god and given — and this is the big word that confudiated my nephew for sure — all of the inalienated rights by our great good god. Well, sir it ain’t no clearer than that! If all the mens can to haz all the equalities, then their ain’t no races to be ism’ed, now is there?
But, to really unnerstand the deepest thinkings of our Fathers whut Found us all, we have to pertend that we is living all those many years ago! Whut wuz ‘Merica like back then? They had all kinda good stuff whut if we’d jus’ live like that today, all of the youths would be working and good god fearing Christians instead of bellyaching with they hands out asking if they can to haz all the moneys from all the guberments.
So, those Foundling Fathers looked around and realized that they had all the freedoms if they could jus’ envisionated it and they reached out and grabbed it with both they hands. They realized that freedom come at the end of a musket. I say, the end of a musket, boy! Ya great dign dang dumb git! The end of a musket!
So who is this freedomy man whut has a musket to be grabbing all the freedoms with? Well, sir, he is acreated by our great good god who created the first of all the mens, Adams, and the second of all the womens, Eve. Now, if you is a ding dang dumb libel like my nephew Calico Jack er what ever he calls his self these days, you prolly think that Eve wuz the first woman, but you is wrong cuz you is too stupid to read the Bible or the constitution. Lilith wuz the firstest womans every made, but she was a bitchy ho and god had to strike her down to git her to shut up and stop with all her shopping and yakking and carrying on sides she wasn’t putting out ner nuthin. So, then god made his self an Eve to be all the happiness with.
‘Nd them uns being natural born ‘Mericans to doing whut natrual born ‘Mericans do and they had they selves two chillens: Cain and Abel, but Abel was a bad seed prolly from that Lilith who was prolly still slinking around the Edens and decided to put out when she saw what she coulda had iffin’ she’d just done Adam in the first damn place.
‘Nd, Cains killed all the Abels cuz he was a big ding dang dumb libel ‘nd got god right mad, so he put this here mark of Cain on him. Now, god says all the mens are having all the equalities, cepting these here with all the Caining marks on them. The Fathers of Founding be the directest decendingest decendants of all the Adams and Eves of the Edens. So, you see, it is only the Foundling Fathers whut can to haz all the equalities.
As long as the whitest mans can to haz the equalities, we can’t have no racisms in no ‘Merica. Ya unnerstand now, ya ding dang dumb libesls! Open yer fool eyes and walk down the street! Do you see anyone doing any of the racisms to the whitest peoples you see? NO! ‘Xcept now you got some ding dang dumb libels racisming all over good god-fearing white Christians.
Categories: Ding Dang Dumb Libels
I could have happily gone my entire life without listening to your drunk uncle. He reminds me too much of the idiots in the White House and their drunk on power friends.
I’m sorry. I really am. My Uncle Inguss truly channels all the ugliness of those on the right and then some. I’ll give him a little more whisky before letting him write another post, though. It generally pushes him beyond the pale and makes him much funnier.