READING TIME: 4 minutes

SUMMARY: Mitch McConnell is the Schrödinger’s Cat of 1984, who knew? A Republican is talking, so you know they’re lying, which is the best evidence that McConnell is as dead as a kicked bucket. Of course, all the lying is about keeping his Senate seat in Republican hands, which is the most Orwellian thing to date. It could be about the prediction markets — smart money is on 3 August as the official date of demise for Old Mitch McConnell. Why not both?

KEY WORDS: Mitch McConnell, Republican Party, Lies, Health, Schrödinger’s Cat, 1984, Perfect Phone Calls, Prediction Markets, George Orwell, Senate

COMMENT: What do you think is going on with McConnell’s health? It would be unpatriotic not to speculate wildly.

The “1984” Vibe

Since Mitch McConnell began regularly falling and breaking bones and freezing up mid-sentence for countable seconds when talking to the press, speculation about his health and fitness for office has been rampant. I’m surprised that the prediction markets aren’t taking bets… Oh, no! Fuck no! Somebody check Don-Don’s and Ewick’s prediction market bets on when McConnell kicks the bucket! That’s what this is all about. Crap, there goes the entire blog post. We aren’t living in Orwell’s “1984” dystopia — that would be too easy, too simple, too obvious — we’re the living and breathing canvass for the Trump family grift and corruption. The entire purpose of the American and world economy is be the pot of money that Trump et al. can skim off of and feel like they’re pulling one over on the rest of us. Even McConnell’s death has become part of the grift.

Darn you, Trump! You’re not stopping me from posting about the 1984 vibe that we live in, though. You, Elaine Chao, and Mitch “Dead As A Kicked Bucket” McConnell aren’t stopping me. I’m writing this post. I’m so writing this post just to spite them as an act of resistance.

Since descending the golden elevator and regurgitating his racist misogyny on the rest of us, Trump and the Republican Party have been all about getting us to reject the evidence of our own eyes and ears and accepting their version of reality. It is the tool that has allowed them to gaslight the nation. As Orwell said, it is their most essential command. Without it, there is no Trump.

The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.

1984 George Orwell

The Odyssey of McConnell’s Health Challenge

The Cardiac Arrest Heard ‘Round the World

The odyssey of turning the health of a real live and maybe dead human being’s health into a soccer ball to be vollied about as if it were some common World Cup corruption scandal began on 14 June when McConnell was reported hospitalized. The only thing that his staff will tell us is that he is okay, recovering, and receiving the best care, unlike the rest of the nation when they are ill and in need, so McConnell can’t even get sick right. He can’t even earn the sympathy due a severely ill old man!

It was widely and wildly reported that police scanner audio recordings reported that paramedics had performed CPR on an individual at a known address for McConnell on 14 June. CPR. I’ve watched The Pitt and know you don’t do CPR on someone with a pulse! CPR has been known to resuscitate the dead, so it is not out of the realm of possibility that it did here, but, #ScienceFact, CPR’s success rate is roughly 17%.

Given that the entire party apparatus has adopting lying through its teeth as its standard operating procedure, we can assume that all statements like, “Senator McConnell is still working closely with staff on Senate business and Kentucky matters as he continues his recovery. However, he will not be voting this week,” spokesdipshit, David Popp.

If anyone needed any proof of how non-life threatening his CPR-receiving heart attack was, his “loving” wife, Elaine Chao, remained in China where she had been traveling after being briefed on his hospitalization by Chinese intelligence — allegedly. See? If it were really serious, Chinese intelligence would’ve sent their number one agent back to get one last trove of information, if she were a Chinese agent.

The Perfect 20-Minute Phone Calls

After demands in the press for proof of life, several Republican senators ponied up with stories about phone calls with him. There was Senate Majority Leader John Thune saying that they had discussed important issues like national security during a lengthy conversation, which isn’t a vague statement at all. It had plenty of believable details in it.

Senators John Barrasso and Scott Jennings both said they had perfect 20 minute long phone conversations in which McConnell was “fully engaged” “in good spirits” and eager to return to the Senate. The topics they discussed were typical of Senate colleagues and included but were not limited to, Senate business, national security, and the Supreme Court. Neither of them knew why McConnell had been hospitalized. It hadn’t come up in their free and wide-ranging very real and not based on party talking points conversation with the very much alive Mitch McConnell. They did not report that McConnell had made various claims like “I’m not dead,” “I’m getting better,” “I don’t want to go onto the cart” “I’m feel fine” and “I feel happy! I feel happy!”

On Wednesday 8 July, the wet noodle otherwise known as Kentucky Gov Andy Beshear wrote an open letter to McConnell trying to sabotage the senator’s recovery by asking him to publicly disclose his health status. He actually had the gall to write, “Kentuckians have grown increasingly concerned about the current state of your health and well-being, and ability to hold office,” as if he didn’t believe the senator’s spokesdipshit, David Popp. Democrats will politicize anything, even a sitting senator’s very good health and recovery after receiving CPR for a heart attack on the way to a hospital. It’s as if only 17% of patients admitted after receiving CPR actually are discharged alive.

Speculation is rampant about why the Republicans want to keep McConnell’s death or incapacitation secret. Is it because they want to respect the life and legacy of a long-serving senator and former Majority and Minority Senate Leader at this difficult time? Do they want to protect the family from the howling monkey squad that would descend upon them should the world know McConnell’s real fate? Or do they want to prevent Democratic Kentucky Governor Andy Beshear from calling for a special election to fill his seat for fear that Thomas Massie would run for it and win? The law the Republican state legislature passed in 2024 calls for a special election. The earliest the governor could call for the election is 63 days after the vacancy is announced.

Place Your Prediction Market Bets NOW! It’s “1984”

Place your prediction market bets now, folks. Bet that Mitch McConnell’s “official” date of death will be 3 August 2026 exactly — it must be an act of gawd — 63 days before the November mid-terms elections. That way, the Republicans can box out any candidacy by Thomas Massie and ensure that only the right person won the election and could sit out the remainder of McConnell’s term voting in the right way.

It is a con that is worthy of McConnell himself. I’m sure, in fact, it was his idea. He instructed his aides, John Thune, and Elaine Chao how to keep his seat for the right person. In a truly Orwellian twist, we are watching a political party use the death of one of their elder statespeople to maintain their very slim majority in the Senate and to prevent an interloper like Thomas Massie from stealing the seat from them for even a couple of months.

“Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make four. If that is granted, all else follows.”

1984 George Orwell

Fortunately, though, we still have the freedom to put two and two together and come up with four instead of following the party line of McConnell who is not dead, is feeling fine, and is quite happy.

This entire unfortunate affair just goes to show that we really are living through the stupidest timeline and, in fact, are in 1984.

Image Attribution

This image was found on Keldbach’s Deviantat Page and has a Creative Commons license.


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