I thought I was one of the good guys. Then I read the Aziz Ansari story. – Vox

This is a story that I think every man, if he is honest with himself, can tell. This fellow tells his story in refreshingly graphic detail as he delivers a blow-by-blow account of his sexual encounter with a young woman several years ago. In doing so, he clearly illustrates how every man can be a rapist and how easy it is to unknowingly slip over that line.

Reproduction is the point of life on the planet. It is our prime directive. Literally, everything else that human beings do is in service to having babies and raising them to the age of reproduction.

Having sex is the primary way and only biological way for reproducing. As such, we will go to surprisingly great lengths to have sex. Think of all the lies that people tell themselves in order to have sex: one time won’t hurt, she wants it as much as I do, I can change him or her, oral sex isn’t really sex.

And, for men, at least, as arousal increases, empathy decreases. This story is a clear example of that. The little head ain’t got no empathy, and once the little head gets going, it takes a lot for the big head to change directions. In this case, this fellows big head reimposed empathy into the equation.

You should read the article and let me know what you think in the comments. #IveBeenThatGuy

I thought I was one of the good guys. Then I read the Aziz Ansari story.

She told me to stop. I ignored her. It took me years to realize how wrong I was.

Last week, I read the Babe.net article describing an encounter between comedian Aziz Ansari and a woman identified only as “Grace.” I read about how Ansari allegedly pushed past several verbal and nonverbal cues suggesting that Grace was not comfortable with their sexual encounter. I had a sickening moment of truth: I’ve done that.

It was just over four years ago. I was 22, newly single, and in college. I had just broken up with my long-distance girlfriend of five years and had spent the past few years hearing all about my friends’ and roommates’ hookups. I was excited to be single and date around. I kept a mental list of several women around school whom I wanted to sleep with.

I had an acquaintance, “Julie,” who was on that list. I’m not using her real name here, and I’m writing this piece anonymously, to protect both of our privacy. We had been to parties together, laughed together, and on a couple of occasions, I had walked her home. We liked each other enough to flirt, which eventually turned into the occasional texting conversation or phone call. I got the sense she was attracted to me.

Continue reading at Vox: I thought I was one of the good guys. Then I read the Aziz Ansari story. – Vox

8 replies »

    • Thank you for writing, Jane! It was indeed an intelligent and compassionate article and reflected a nuanced understanding of contemporary sexual interactions. It gives hope for his generation and later. I was glad to share it and hope that more people will read and comment.


      Liked by 1 person

    • Howdy Bob!

      I really liked the way he told the story. It gave enough detail to let you know exactly where along the way he was. I think that level of detail is important in these discussions because of the precision however uncomfortable they leave us feeling.


      Liked by 1 person

  1. I really think that ( I am a woman) women need to be quicker and more direct in what they want and don;t want, Men are not mind readers,,,,,hell even when they are not in the throes of sex , it is hard for them to listen and absorb the cues from their partners, Women need to be very clear in letting them know what they want. and what the DON’T want . And men need to understand that the possibility that the lady just might change her mind and it doesn’t give him a pass to just continue , no matter how horny or pissed off he might get/be, WOMEN need to be damned sure that what they are doing is what they want to be doing. On the other hand , a woman changing their mind is absolutely absolute, ( Ladies,,no cock teasing!!),,,,and any man still thinking that they can just push through is breaking the law . So , ” NO is NO” and gentlemen, if you get a ” MAYBE” run! don’t walk…. away.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Howdy Francese!

      I know I grew up thinking that sex was the absolute goal and anything short of sex and a lot of sex with a lot women was failure. Not that such thinking ever did me much good and had me pretty convinced that I had failed. But, there is a cultural imperative out there for men. Women are taught to be passive. I think it is a bad combination that men don’t fully appreciate.

      I really like the idea of enthusiastic consent. The woman in the story was giving some kind of lets explore consent, decided to stop, and then was resigned to him not stopping. If we can develop that cultural imperative of enthusiastic consent or agreement, then we’ll be much further along.



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