Yadda yadda yadda! Scroll to the bottom to see the first post and stuff. Christ. I can’t believe I’m watching CNN because there is not live coverage at 6:00 AM EST on the interwebs here in China. So cable or whatever.

3:19 AM (EST) The live blogging drags to an end. Go high, y’all! Go high. Snipping at and fussing with each other; bickering with sadistic trolls ain’t gonna help no one. Organize for the mid-terms. Do good.

3:04 AM (EST) Trump just said at the end of two years, three years, four years, and maybe even eight years. Does he know the length of the term? Does he have a clue of what he’s doing? If it is starting this badly…?

3:00 AM (EST) I had heard that Trump had written a victory and concession speech. Listening to his victory speech, you wouldn’t know it. He’s beginning his presidency just as he will president shooting from the hip and just not giving a fuck. We had that in W and see what it got us?

2:48 AM (EST) I am ashamed of my thoughts and feelings right now as Trump takes the stage to make his victory speech.

Of course, CNN mares the moment by saying that Trump’s victory was overwhelming when he probably won’t even win the popular vote — thanks California — and has won the last few states he needed by 60,000 votes. Yeah, that is very overwhelming. Fucking dumbass CNN.

2:45 AM (EST) The Pences have taken the stage and Mike is introducing Trump. I don’t wanna listen, but I have to. Jebus. I cannot believe this is happening. The roots of stupid run deep in American culture. Ungodly. Well, the countdown to the Trump resignation is on.

2:40 AM (EST) Dana Bash (?) is reporting on CNN that Clinton has called and conceded to Trump. She just won’t give a concession speech tonight.

2:29 AM (EST) CNN has projected that Trump wins Wisconsin. I’m shocked that Trump had a polling operation sophisticated enough to detect the possibility of Wisconsin. Of course, Walker’s voter suppression efforts helped a lot.

2:12 AM (EST) Let’s all try and keep our heads. Let’s be gracious in loss. Let’s go high.

2:07 AM (EST) Van Jones on CNN is just kicking Corey Lewindowski’s ass because Lewindowski is upset that Clinton is not conceding yet. He’s pointing out that the ugly aggressive shit has already begun by the Trump side. They won. What difference does it make — to quote Clinton — if she concedes now or in six hours? It doesn’t, but Lewindowski is having a hissy fit that she isn’t kowtowing to Trump.

2:03 AM (EST) Podesta just said that Clinton won’t be conceding until tomorrow.

2:02 AM (EST) The election is fixing to be called. There aren’t votes  enough left to be counted to shift Wisconsin, Michigan, or Pennsylvania. It ain’t happening. She’ll be conceding soon.

2:01 AM (EST) NBC has projected Maine will give three of its four electoral votes to Clinton and one to Trump.

1:49 AM (EST) I’ve just read on Five Thirty Eight’s Live Blog from Harry Enten that the AP has called Pennsylvania for Trump. It is all over but the shouting now.

1:43 AM (EST) Katy Tur of NBC is reporting that Trump is dying to come out and give his victory speech, but his handlers are holding him back. Of course, he is. This is going to be the Trump presidency all over. Tiny baby precious Jebus.

1:20 AM (EST) Nia somebody or other in bright yellow was just saying on CNN that the election has been a complete repudiation of Obama. That is the part that makes me the sickest of all. I have loved Obama and the Obamas more than I have any other president, politician, or celebrity. It just slays me for the honor and graciousness of to be sullied by the brash boorishness of Trump.

1:12 AM (EST) One of the “anchors” on CNN is blathering about how much people think Washington DC is broken, so they voted for Trump. If that were true, people wouldn’t call for term limits. They would vote the rascals out instead of taking the decision out of their hands. If people think the presidency is the problem in Washington DC it just shows how little they know about how the government works. The presidency hasn’t been the problem. It’s Congress.

12:59 AM (EST) CNN just sat Corey Lewindowski on the stage. I’ve muted the set.

12:45 AM (EST) Van Jones just described the election as a whitelash. I will say it again: our politicians are more interested exploiting the divisions between us than bridging them.

12:41 AM (EST) Gary Motherfucking Third Party Johnson has 130,000 votes in Pennsylvania.

12:28 AM (EST) Chris Hayes has just reported on MSNBC that the Canadian immigration website has crashed because of the overwhelming number of hits. NASDAQ has halted trading in futures because of volume.

12:26 AM (EST) I am so sick and tired of the American populace being such dumbasses. I was amazed and stupefied by the election of Reagan. I was shocked by the first election of W, and just depressed and disbelieving at his re-election. W was such an obvious incompetent and disqualified by his illegal invasion of Iraq. It was so painfully obvious by the year four. But, Trump takes the cake. Willful ignorance and wishful thinking is no basis for a democracy. We are headed for real trouble. The gulf between the whites and non-whites is not going to end well. Our politicians are more interested in exploiting it than bridging it.

12:26 AM (EST) CNN reporting that Clinton has taken the lead in NH by 18 votes!

12:15 AM (EST) MSNBC is calling the Nevada senate race for Cortez-Masto.

12:14 AM (EST) CNN is at commercial and MSNBC is buffering, so it seems a timely time for a word about predictions. If you are predicting something based on no information and just a gut intuition, then you ain’t smart, you’re just lucky. I’ve pointed this out countless time. This is the Jean Dixon approach to prognostication. The problem is that people will say, I predicted it: Trump would win because they are hurting economically. And, if they do that, they’ll stop thinking, smile broadly, and pat themselves on the back.

Trump may win, but not for that reason — the average Trump supporter makes $75,000 a year. He won because of Comey, voter suppression, and a misunderstanding of what government can do.

Dana on CNN and Michael Bechloss are both saying a change election. If it were a change election, the Congress would be turning over. It ain’t. You can’t drain the swamp without Congress.

12:08 AM (EST) People keep saying that people are voting Trump because they want change. If that were true, they would also be voting out the Congressional incumbents. They ain’t. Not only are the rank and file uninformed about how the government works, the pundits and reporters — who should know better — don’t get it either. I feel sick. Just sick. Even snark can’t cover the smell of this shit.

12:07 AM (EST) Trump just pulled ahead in Pennsylvania. I hadn’t believed it possible. We’ll see.

The Witching HOUR (EST) Don’t no body go doing anything drastic. Don’t no body jump from a building or anything. It ain’t over. We don’t need no miracle to win this. Even if we lose, don’t do nothing drastic. We don’t know what will happen in a Trump presidency. There are Black Swans and surprises and all kinda shit that can happen.

11:58 PM (EST) I know it is petty, but I can barely stand the idea of Kellyanne Conway and Trump were right in their strategy and polling. It is just galling. And, Trump’s polling company is based in San Antonio. Motherfucker. I’m an SA boy. It ain’t right.

11:51 PM (EST) Katy Tur, a reporter that I respect a lot, is reporting on MSNBC that Trump has promised all kinds of things that he can’t deliver, and people are voting for him because of it. I’m making that up because of buffering. But, that’s what I wanted her to say. And, it agrees with my previous entry. He can’t do what he claims he can. Even with re-negotiated trade deals, those jobs ain’t coming back. We are truly the United Fucking States of Fucking Stupid. Our democracy can’t survive this level of just pure stupid.

11:48 PM (EST) The less Wolf Blitzer talks the more better the reporting on CNN. I’m not saying there is a causative relationship — there is — but it is an interesting observation.

11:26 PM (EST) The one lesson that is clear from this election no matter who wins is that Americans do not understand how their government works. We continue to overvalue and the presidency and undervalue the Congress. Americans don’t understand the limits on the presidency, so when a president doesn’t perform as expected, we get an angry backlash against the party in the presidency. But, the Congress writes and passes legislation. With Republicans in the Senate vowing to make Obama a one term president and becoming the party of no really represents this. Republicans should be punished for this kind of behavior at the ballot box, but they aren’t. The Democrats were. We’re seeing it now. Trump has said he will do all kinds of things that he can’t do without the Congress. But, it is a change election, so Trump wins. But, the Congress is returned intact because we don’t get the connection between our Congressional votes and governance. We don’t get the connection between our presidential votes and governance.

10:59 PM (EST) Before the votes were being counted, the story of the election was going to be the Hispanic vote. Now that votes are being counted, the story is voter suppression and Comey. The wins that Trump is threatening in Wisconsin and NC can be attributed to Walker and the Republican voter registration and ID crap. Their method has been to keep it all chaotic for Democratic voters and angry for the Republican voters.

10:52 pm (EST) Wow, CNN map guy is on fire and earning his keep! He’s really analyzing NH and explaining how she’s underperforming Obama in Manchester County by four percent and that’s why the race is tighter. He’s also saying that there are enough votes left in the population centers around Portsmouth and the coast to put Clinton over.

10:48 PM (EST) Finally, a decent piece of information from CNN. Map guy is describing the vote in Wayne County, Michigan. He’s saying that most of the votes counted there so far are from the suburbs and ex-burbs of Detroit and not from Detroit proper. She could get enough votes from there to carry the state.

10:40 PM (EST) From Five Thirty Eight’s Live Blog (Harry Enten): Looking at the map of Wisconsin, Clinton is in big trouble. Much of the vote from Milwaukee is in, and Clinton is still down by nearly 3 percentage points statewide. If Trump wins here, Clinton is in big trouble nationally. Now, that is concerning. These guys can evaluate the numbers.

10:31 PM (EST) MSNBC calls Virginia for Clinton. CNN hasn’t, but they’re pussies to use a term that is popular about now. It’s going to be close. Thanks Comey. That bastard.

10:25 PM (EST) I am streaming MSNBC’s live coverage, but it buffers more than it plays… maybe that is an improvement? Still, Ohio is awarded to Trump — no surprise there.It’s close to being over in Virginia and Florida, too.

10:20 PM (EST) It looks like Florida is in and Trump wins. That is a tough loss, but survivable. But, now CNN map guy is back in Michigan and harping on Detroit not going big enough to Clinton but only 16% reporting. I guess Virginia hasn’t taught ’em nothin’ or the producer is just mumbling prattle prattle prattle into map guy’s ear. How ungodly it must be to have to fill so much airtime.

10:11 PM (EST) Do you think that there’s a producer talking in CNN map guy’s ear telling him to prattle on? And that that producer isn’t talking to the producer in Blitzer’s ear or maybe no one hopes to communicate with Blitzer? Anywho, if I have to watch Blitzer awkwardly interrupt map guy again… I think I’m going to use the floor wax on my teeth.

9:57 PM (EST) The Virginia results seem to have sobered the CNN map guy somewhat. They were hyping Wisconsin going Trump, but he pointed out that only 25% of the big population centers have yet to be counted. They looked at Wayne County (Detroit) is close, but they’re barely reporting. Gah!

9:53 PM (EST) The CNN idiots have just reported that Clinton has a lead in Virginia after preaching that Virginia could go Trump but there are still lots of votes in the population centers left, but Trump could happen. But, those votes are coming in and Clinton has made up the difference and in the lead with more Democratic leaning counties to give some votes. Do they review their own tapes?

9:43 PM (EST) CNN’s reporting is proof-positive that the old adage, If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. They have air time to fill, so they just blather all kinds of non-sense. I wonder if the Naked News channel is covering the elections?

9:27 PM (EST) Now CNN’s map guy is saying that Bucks County, Penn is close and that’s good for Trump… there’s one percent of the vote counted! Why the fuck even talk about the county if there is only 1% of the fucking vote counted. I would be doing better watching the Chinese coverage of the election.

Oh shit, now they’re speculating what happens if Trump wins Virginia after reporting that there are still huge numbers yet to be reported from the DC suburbs. Then he tempers that with We’re not there yet. But, if it were true, it would mean that Trump would probably take NC. Dumbass, if Trump takes Virginia, he’s the fucking president because Clinton just imploded. I think I’ll stand in a bucket of water and stick my finger in a light socket.

9:22 PM (EST) With 15% of the vote in in New Hampshire, it is close, and the CNN map guy opines that there is a trend: Florida, NC, and, now, NH are close. Whose polls were you averaging yesterday? What else did they expect.

And, now he interrupted some stream of Wolf Blitzer stupid by saying, The Trump campaign would like to freeze the national map right now because he is ahead in Minnesota, Michigan, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. No, shit. Where these folks all roofied at happy hour this evening?

9:16 PM (EST) Chris Jansing on NBC just reported that anecdotally some African Americans are not voting in Ohio — Cleveland to be specific — because the economic recovery hasn’t reached them. Then, the feed started buffering. Okay, don’t have a heart attack. But, the supposition is that they wouldn’t’ve voted for Trump, but aren’t voting for Clinton because they don’t believe Clinton will deliver the goods.

9:09 PM (EST) Somebody just got a call from their 15 year old who told them that there was an iPhone app that would tell them which counties have votes yet to count instead of just tapping counties at random just to see. Welcome to out thoroughly fucking modern world we are suffering through.

9:02 PM (EST) Just how stupid is Wolf Blitzer? He just said Initially, Trump thought he had a chance in NY… Even his stage mate, stammered in his response. Trump never had a chance in NY. WTF Wolf? I think I’ll take a break and brush my teeth with a brillo pad.

8:20 PM (EST) Hold on to your ass, Chuck Todd is talking at the world on NBC, and he’s saying that turnout is up across the board in Florida. Then the stream started buffering and now they’re at commercial. Perhaps it is a blessing.

8:17 PM (EST) I just cued up NBC’s live online stream! And they are reporting that Trump is leading in Ohio among union voters reversing the positions from 2012. Now, there is some reporting that we need. The unions are not delivering for Clinton. But, no one thought Ohio would go Clinton.

8:36 PM (EST) Whoever the map guy is on CNN is picking rural counties in Florida at random to see who has votes left to give. What are the producers and other support people doing over there? Are they all soused?

8:30 PM (EST) It looks like a good time for me to nip out for some breakfast and stuff. NBC has run ten commercials in a row and Dana is talking about Rubio being trounced in the Florida primary by Trump, but doesn’t question Lil’ Marco’s integrity or backbone.

8:12 PM (EST) CNN just reported that Clinton is carrying Bexar County (San Antonio) Texas! And right now, Blitzer is amazed that Texas is going Clinton.

8:10 PM (EST) Yeay! Five Thirty Eight just started their live coverage with two people sitting on stools chatting with a laptop on a table. But still, choices! And choices mean improved mental health.

8:04 PM (EST) Dana Brash (?) just reported that she has a Republican source saying that they project a Clinton win in Florida. AND, that Lil’ Marco — enthusiastic supporter of Trump, jeez Marco was Trump right about you? — is outperforming Trump in Florida. What’s up with Florida? Trump trounced Lil’ Marco in the primaries. Florida man strikes again. Fickle bastards.

8:02 PM (EST) Blitzer just excitedly announced that CNN was projecting Clinton to win Maryland and characterized it as an important win for her. Did CNN wake up this morning and forget that we’ve had 18 months of polling and discussion and battleground states and Maryland was never part of any of those things because it was a foregone conclusion? Or is Blitzer just an android with a pull string in his back?

7:57 PM (EST) Blitzer: She’s ahead by 100,000 votes with 36% of the vote IN! (He’s talking about NC). Jesus Wolf, even if you can’t do it for yourself, can’t you be just a little more reportery for your kids or your mom or something?

7:54 PM (EST) The CNN reporter attached to Clinton says that they are confident of Florida because of the Hispanic turnout. Blitzer is amazed that the lead in Florida has CHANGED AGAIN! Where did I put my ice pick? I could lobotomize myself and it would be better than this. Gah!

7:42 PM (EST) CNN just called the Ohio Senate race for the Republican Rob Portman. CNN announcers are surprised. Why aren’t they all wearing the fake arrow through their heads and squirting each other with lapel flowers?

7:32 PM (EST) Okay, I’ve drug my sorry fat hairy white ass outa bed. CNN is now running it’s A team, and, surprise, it is as stupid as the B team. I’ll be flagellating myself with a ball peen hammer, now. In the half hour that I’ve been watching, the Florida race has been reported about six times and the lead changed three times.Wolf Blitzer breathlessly announced that Clinton had been up  by 70,000 votes and now Trump was up with 30,00! Luckily, they had an “expert” guest on the stage to point out that Florida is always close and this will be happening all night. Wolf looked crestfallen.

11:56 AM (EST) It is almost 1:00 AM here in China, so I think I may be going to bed. I’ll be up at 4:00 AM China time, that would be 3:00 PM EST to continue this madness, unless of course, I decide to eat my sheets or dirty underwear and socks instead. Holy fuck, who knew that mainstream US culture could be so fucking stupid and inane? No wonder Trump was nominated and people think Clinton may possibly be worse.

11:43 AM (EST) This just in: Mike Pence, (a) WALKED to the polling place and (b) wore a suit without a tie — open collar. He is relaxed and not worrying about nuthin. Obviously, Trump is gonna win or he’s relieved he’s off the hook for fronting for Trump and maybe his political life is still living…

11:28 AM (EST) A Trump surrogate on CNN just said that Trump has a ground game second to none and wasn’t challenged by the “anchors.” Seriously, are the producers at CNN just Macaw monkeys? Is anyone listening to the anchors? Who could describe Trump’s ground game as anything other than a concert tour?  Unfucking believable.

They just asked him if Trump saying if he lost it would be a waste of time and the fellow hemmed and hawed. He just claimed that RNC has modeled every voter in the United Fucking States of Fucking Stupid. The RNC has seen things that others have missed. And, Romney’s folks “unskewed” the polls in 2012, too.

11:16 AM (EST) How many WTF moments can one network produce? The “anchor” just wished for Trump to have been wearing glasses when he voted so we could read his ballot off of the reflection. Where do they get these people? What are their supervision and evaluation sessions like? Does anyone even question them on these performances?

Up until this point in the election, I was energetic, excited, engaged. Now, I feel like there really is no hope for our republic. I don’t think I’ve seen anything more inane than this coverage. The curse of the 24/7 news day — thanks Obama (Ted Turner, really).

11:12 AM (EST) Why does anyone think that Clinton will turn out the black vote at the same rate as Obama? Am I the only one who sees one big fucking reason?

But, I’m digging all the stories about elderly women voting for Clinton. That’s sweet. That makes this cynical sarcastic curmudgeonly heart melt just a bit. Don’t tell, though. I have a reputation to maintain.

11:02 AM (EST) Now, the new anchors are surprised that the Pences might be biking to the polling place. I don’t think there’s enough alcohol and dull drill bits to make it worthwhile to continue.

A reporter in the street outside of PS 59 in NYC saying that Trump was booed as he came to the polling place.

Oh, fuck. Now, they are concerned that about what Mike will WEAR to the polls. Apparently, he is biking, going home, and then WALKING to the polls. Perhaps, now hold on, take a seat, and a shot of whisky, he will change into a suit… or not. We’re reminded that we can wear whatever we want to vote, including biking shorts. I’m reminded, unlike the “anchors” of an earlier report that some women somewhere in the country bared their breasts — no footage of that! — in some kind of protest against Trump at a polling place.

Connections, people. Connections. Let’s make some connections. here.

10:57 AM (EST) Trump just arrived and the “anchor” is saying that There’s Trump! I’m trying to see if he’s brought anyone with him. Melania had walked in just moments before. Do they use earpieces and interns at CNN?

We’ve cut to Trump inside saying Have a good time everybody! Oh, he bought a cupcake from a child. He shakes the hand of an elderly woman. Again, Clinton swarmed. Trump echoing badly in an nearly empty room. Metaphor.

Asma, the Muslim token, just saying how difficult it must be for Melania because privacy. No, it is tough because she plagiarized Michelle’s speech and got caught. And, she worked illegally in the ’90’s. She just doesn’t know what to say to those questions and accusations.

10:49 AM (EST) Can someone organize an intervention for me? I just listened to a Richard Quest commercial about halfway through before realizing why my level of annoyance was reaching catastrophic heights even for such an annoying situation.

And, Trump is about to vote. Clinton votes and she is swarmed making her way through crowds, shaking hands, chatting. Trump votes and the secret service empties the streets. They keep hyping Trump’s impending vote by showing the empty blocked off street. What’s wrong with this picture? The perfect fucking metaphor for this campaign and the prime reason we’ve become the United Fucking States of Fucking Stupid.

10:45 AM (EST) The “anchor” is “interviewing” Elizabeth Suhay who studies political psychology at American University. It’s different because it is so negative. Because we’ve painted the other side as being unfit to govern, so it [this election] feels more important than others. She adds that losing will feel bad, and the negative reaction will linger. NO SHIT. Do they pay you to figure this out? Were all the other “experts” already booked?

Trump is going to have to work hard to control the anger of his followers — has this person followed this election? Has she read my blog posts on Trump? Are they serving warm milk and white toast in the green room this morning?

10:39 AM (EST) I am sick of CNN just being awestruck by the long lines at voting locations. Do they require that their reporters be beaten with ball peen hammers before being hired? Now, in Parma, Ohio, there are no lines… it is a very early voting state. About a quarter have voted already, we won’t know how, but it’s now just a steady stream… don’t forget the knowing amused chuckle.

10:28 AM (EST) The CNN coverage is a train wreck. Give me strength to turn away from the mind numbing stupidity of the stupids who are talking on the TV right now. This election is about emotion and passion! People are engaged… We are all just circling the drain right now, right? This is it, right? This is really the end, please?

Oh, fuck, the Muslim woman just said, I think some states will be very close… Seriously, didn’t I store some cyanide capsules around here some place?

10:25 AM (EST) They’re back at the long lines of NC and how wonderful it is… but now there is no one on the set pointing out how those long lines have been created by the NC Republicans cutting polling places and early voting days. Even the Muslim woman is saying how this is the counter-point of the nastiness of the campaign.

Let’s all take our Black and Decker drills and start treppaning each other. It would be easier and less painful, right?

10:22 AM (EST) Even if I were back in university and doing crank, could I keep up with the deep deep levels of stupid being broadcast on CNN. Holy fuck, the reporter from Iowa talked about what a mystery it is how it will go, both candidates have their demons to fight.i Gee if there were only a way to predict how a state might actually vote. If only there were professional organizations who would go out and systematically ask people about their opinions. Maybe if they knew the demographics of the state and ask a demographically proportionate subset of the population so we could estimate how it would likely go.

For fuck’s sake!

10:10 AM (EST) You can play Election Day Bingo over at Vox.com to help pass the time. At this time, they are remarking on the novelty of the spouse of a former impeached president possibly being elected president and how historic that is!

Wow, there is a woman in a hibab talking on the set — Asma Khalid of NPR! — and, of course, they are asking her about the negativity of the campaign. The white guy is now saying that women are keeping their daughters out from school to take them to the poll. It is unclear if he thinks that is good or bad. For fuck’s sake. It is good. Jebus, if you’re going to talk about it, try not to sound like you’re just trying to be clever.

Another guy is saying that Trump is making history because he is the “outsider.” No, he’s making history because he is a narcissistic pathological liar.

The “anchor” just created a word knot of a different election and different candidate. The historic nature of the Trump candidacy is that he avoided the how question and could surf on emotions and anger. No shit. Of course, reporters no role in that.

The Muslim woman just described the oblivious acceptance of women supporting Trump of his sexual assaults and the “anchor” laughingly recalling how Trump said he could shoot someone in Fifth Avenue…

I realize we all have fatigue from Trump’s outrageous violation of the most basic social norms and human decency, but let’s not gloss over it, please? Let’s stand up and every time it comes up say HOLY FUCK HOW IS THIS ABHORRENT HUMAN BEING BEING SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED FOR THE PRESIDENCY? WHAT IN THE FUCK HAS GONE WRONG IN OUR DEMOCRACY? No, instead, let’s just laugh gaily about some outrage that Trump said once some time ago.

Do you think if I swan dived into the flat screen TV off the roof of the building that it would be more satisfying and fulfilling than watching the CNN coverage.

Luckily, they’ve gone to commercial.

10:05 AM (EST) Now, CNN is reporting from Durham, NC and Bedford County and how long the lines are. Isn’t that great? And, how there is something wrong and they have to use some kind of book to check in as opposed to electronically. Gee. No one is saying anything about the open suppression of Democratic leaning voting groups by NC Republicans. Great reporting CNN. Let’s make sure that we are even, balanced, and fair. Fuck can I begin mixing my Jack with sulfuric acid now?

10:02 AM (EST) They’re now playing Fox News footage of Trump calling in and saying that he’s doing well and the people of various states and the country are great, tremendous. Why doesn’t he ever say anything when he speaks? Why don’t more people, like reporters and voters, care?

10:00 AM (EST) Now they’re reporting from Moscow. When did Russians begin to understand democracy better than Americans? Apparently, they see this election as evidence that our democracy is dying a miserable death. It is. We need people who actually understand how things work like political parties, primaries, and the electoral college. Is Trump proof positive of what the Founding Fathers meant by mob rule?

9:55 AM (EST) So, what’s worse, the actual “news” shows on CNN or the commercials for the news shows and the network on CNN? Feel free to weigh in in the comments. Do you think it would become more tolerable if I ate the screen? I’m almost out of wine; should I eat the bottle?

9:51 AM (EST) The announcer just said that the Republicans knocked on 1.4 million doors in New Hampshire — there aren’t that many people who live there. The “reporter” didn’t know that. But, when pointed out to the Republicans, they said, they knocked on some doors twice.

Now, they are discussing voter intimidation at the polls where someone somewhere showed up open carry and people said they were uncomfortable. Don’t be such pussies! It’s only a gun and a white guy — if it had been a black guy, the police woulda shot ‘im dead long before he got to the polls — nothing to worry about here. No white guy ever shot up anything before.

Since when did a gun not be intimidating. When did a gun not represent the threat of shooting someone or something if you feel threatened. It ain’t like you’re wearing a Disney tie or  the London scarf your idiot son — sorry ma — gave you. It’s a fucking gun not an accessory. It’s got one purpose: to shoot things.

Christ, I think I’d rather have … United Fucking States of Fucking Stupid.

9:28 AM (EST) The “anchor” person on CNN just said that Clinton is giving her speech at the Gavit Center which has a glass ceiling. Can I start eating my toe jam for my desert. Now, she’s saying that should Trump win, he’d make history because he’d be a true outsider. Fuck are the CNN anchors kept in a cave sworn to silence between the times they are on the air? Or are they just trying to set up their guests to look good?

9:26 AM (EST) Oh Fuck! The “anchor” just announced that the longlines in NC are “beautiful!” For fuck’s sake do they give these people valium or just make them run a marathon before they come on air. Luckily, there was a real journalist there who gently pointed out that the NC legislature made sure that lines would be long to discourage voters (cough, cough, liberal, cough, cough).

9:23 AM (EST) Chris Cuomo compared this election cycle to child birth and tried to rope his co-host into agreeing with him. The epitome of painful exchange. But, they had Ted Koppel in their last moment. Ted Koppel has a freakishly large head for his body. He looks like he is two different people or something. Of course, he’s pimping a book — not that there’s anything wrong with that, since I pimp my own blog quite regularly (see my profile for the URL). At least, he had something seemingly intelligent if innocuous to say about the election. Okay. I ran the channels, but it is either CNN or BBC and I can’t take hearing those smug British accents talk about our democracy

8:45 AM (EST) Welp, it is 8:30 AM on the East Coast and Trump hasn’t voted yet. Do you think he knows that he should?

8:35 AM (EST) Gah! The baby Cuomo just finished giving Don Don a rim job, and then onto to Hillary approaching the crowd after voting and said, “Hillary is approaching the crowd. Maybe she’ll talk to them…” Gah! Can I make my dinner from my cat’s six month old dried hair balls from under the couch now? How has CNN stayed in business.

8:32 AM (EST) Clinton just went into to vote. The female anchor on CNN just announced that “She put together neuter leather for her outer wear”? Put me out of her misery, please, god. Strike me down or drown me in booze. Why doesn’t Rachel Maddow live stream her consciousness live 24 hours a day?

7:32 AM (EST) Sweet precious baby Jebus suckling at my barren teet! Now, CNN has Cory Fucking Lewindowski on talking with the fake dramatically voiced Cuomo and some bobble-headed political commentator defending Clinton — kind of nice, actually. Lewindowski looks like a guy who was getting his barium enema while sitting on a crowded subway car

6:31 AM (EST) OFM, now CNN is showing the election day Instagrams! A woman announces in an overly cheery voice obviously feeling that they are really impressing the young adult demographic that they are seeking. And some guy says, “the medical profession. Respect.” Please can someone else broadcast something about the election at least worth watching? Is that asking too much?

6:28 AM (EST) Gah! I am stuck watching CNN’s election coverage. David Gregory is squawking and the dangers Clinton faces in Michigan. Gah! It’s painful. I may just load my eyes with sugar and lay down in the ant bed. It is a bad round table at 7:00 AM. Bad. Would cleaning my ears with Drain-o be better? Yes probably. Would performing an at-home electrolysis on my testicles be more enjoyable? You getcha!